Pairing: KaoruxKyo

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Shounen-ai, major angst

„Sleep Eden sleep

My fallen son

Slumber in peace”

It was a cold, rainy day. The wind was blowing very hard, clouds were gatherin’ on the sky. I was unable to see the sun… But it wasn’t necessary  to see it… at least for me, because the light in my life… is dead.

I still remember you… Your soft lips, when you kissed me, when you whispered those sweet words… Your beautiful hair, what you alway took care of, always smelled so good, it was so soft, so shiny… Your eyes, your smiley… I loved everything about you… You helped me, when I was depressed or wanted to die… You were always there for me… You promised that you would never leave me… And now… You’re dead.

Why? I ask this every single day, every hour, every minute. Why did you left me? You promised me, you’d never leave me… And still… you  broke the promise you made.

„Cease the pain

Life`s just in vain

For us to gain

Nothing but all the same”

I’m dying. I can’t live without you. The pain, the longing is too strong… I maybe look content and calm on the outside, but my soul is screaming in agony…

I pick up my bloody razor, and slit my wrists again, and again, until my hands are covered in my own blood. Only this makes my tortured soul calm… But only for a little time… I lye down on my bed, when I notice my diary on my nighttable. I pick it up, and start to read a random entry.

„Feb 17th, Saturday

Oh, what a terrbile hangover… I swear god, I never gonna drink that much again. I  know I’m lying now, but aww, who cares? hehe.

Anyway...My sweet  tall bitch’s birthday is today… I wonder, should I get something to him? Maybe a pair of underwear with Hide’s face on in? No, he’d freak out, I’m sure of this. Or maybe with Gackt’s magnum on in? Umm… still sounds a bit freaky… Hell, I don’t know, I gotta ask Die about this…”

I smiled throught my tears, when I read this journal entry. While I wrote this, I never thought that my sweet tall bitch is going to be with his idol soon…

„No healing hand

For your disease

Drinking scorn like water

Cascading with my tears”

I headed to the studio for another rehersal, damn, my sweet tall bitch was kinda work-a-holic. But when I arrived, and shut the ddor open with my usual „ ’Morning fuckers” greeting, I only get a sad glance back from Die. I stopped in my steps, and stared at the scene. Toshiya was sittin on the couch, and sobbing uncontrollably, his face buried in a pillow, while Die was just staring to the ground in front of him. However, I didn’t saw either Kaoru or Shinya anywhere.

- What the hell is wrong? - I asked, a bit confused. Toshiya looked up, then he started to cry ever more. Die continued to stare at the ground, as he answered.

- Shin-chan is in the hospital with Kaoru-san - he said, in a shaky voice. I stared at him in disbelief, as I sat next to Totchi, who was still crying hard.

- Why…What happened? - I questioned, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. Die shook his head.

- Don’t ask Kyo-kun. I’m unable to say it. If I say it, it means that I accept it… but I don’t want to accept it… - The redhead said.

- Die-kun… SAY IT NOW! -  I shouted. I was utterly angry, but I was even more confused. I didn’t know whats going on, and it bothered me.

- Well -  suddenly Toshiya spoke up, as he tried to stop his sobbing - Kaoru has been shoot - he whispered, then burts out in tears again.

„Beneath the candle bed

Two saddened angels - in heaven, in death”

I froze down for a minute, my mind unable to accept the information I just got before. Die next to me started to shaking too, and I knew that he’s crying.

- What…? No, that cannot be… Don’t play the fool with me… It’s impossible… - I whispered.

- We are…not playin the.. fool with… you - Die replied, trying to fight his tears back.

Suddenly, his cell rang. He got up it up quickly, and answered.

- Moshi-moshi, Die-san desu - He said. Totchi looked up again, with a hint of curiosity and worry in his puffy, cried-to-red eyes.

- Shinya! Hows Kaoru-sama? - The redhead said to the cell. There was a moment of silence, as he waited for the drummer’s reply. Then, he went dead pale, and his handsome face contorted in pain.

- What? - He whispered - It’s can’t be true…

I had a bad feeling about the conservation Die and Shinya had. A very bad feeling.

- I … understand. And… thanks - With that Die hung up the phone, and stared at us.

- He’s… dead.

„Now let us lie

Sad we lived sad we die

Even in your pride

I never blamed you”

I stared at him for a long minute. My heart broke in that minute, my soul shattered, and my mind went crazy. I was like a living dead doll. All emotion died out from me in that minute.

My sweet tall bitch… Dead… I was unable to think about anything, but him. His voice never going to reach me, his hands never goint to hold mine, his lips never going to touch mine…

The next two day was living hell for me. Die stayed with me. I know him, he tried to comfort me, but all of his efforts were useless. I was already dead on the inside. I didn’t eat anything, I refused to eat.

Shinya was with Toshiya. The pretty bassist was just like me; he was seemed to be a living dead. But I know someday he’ll forget about this. He’s just too shocked now.

But me… I never ever forget about you, my sweet tall bitch. I loved you, even if I refused to show it to the public.  I loved you, and you loved me.

„A mother`s love

Is a sacrifice

Together sleeping

Keeping it all”

Three days passed since that day. Today is your funeral. I don’t want to go, but I must go.

I never cried. Neither on your funeral. My heart broke again to million pieces, when I saw  your beautiful face… You looked like a sleeping angel… My sweet angel…

When the funeral ended, and everyone left, I stayed.  I stared at the freshly covered tomb. Then everything went blurry. Tears were sliding down my face. I closed my eyes, trying to stop them, but it was useless. I fell onto my knees, and whispered „Why? Why kami has to be cruel? Why did you left me? You said you’d never leave me… Don’t leave me… I love you… Don’t leave me, I don’t want to be alone…„ - My tears fell freely from my eyes, my attempt to stop them, vanished. I startes to shake, and buried my face in my hands.

I don’t know when I left your grave. I can’t remember, the pain was blinded me. Nothing mattered then for me.

Next day, I hit up a meet with the others. Everyone looked horrible, even Shinya. We spoke only a little, we decided to continue the band, no matter what. Die became the new leader-sama, but we didn’t want a new guitarist.

I only remember a few things about that time. We recorded a couple of songs, and released a mini-album. It was full with sorrow, and pain… Laughing was a rare thing amongst us since you gone…

One year later since your funeral… I went back to your tomb again… and for the last time.

The stars shone coldly on that night, the wind was blowing slighthy, and there was complete silence around me.

I sat down on the becnh next to your grave, and started talking.

- Beautiful night we have here, don’t you agree, my dear love? Just look at the stars… they shine so brightly, they’re so beautiful, just like you… ash to ash, I am just garbage with an umbrella, So give me my dream, I am used to hiding underneath the umbrella, So I want you for me, Can you hear me? - I started to sing quietly. I never noticed when my tears started to fall, but when I finished, my face was covered in my own salty tears.

- See, Kaoru? Look what have you done to me… You broke your promise, and you broke my heart, my soul, my mind…  Now you’re probably somewhere in heaven along with Kami, Hide and other fellows… Can I join too? - I screamed at the end, my voice full with pain and long lost love.

I pulled out my old dried bloody razorblade, pressed it to my wrist, and started to pull it down…

My vision blurred, but I was able to see my blood dripping out of the fresh wound. There was a calm smile on my lips, as I walked to your grave, before my legs became too numb. My knees gave up, and I fell on them. Soon, darkness embraced me…

And then… I saw your beautiful face, I heard your voice calling me... And you didn’t break your promise… You didn’t leave me… You were always here… I love you. Never again dare to leave me… My sweet tall bitch.

„Beneath the candle bed

Two souls with everything yet to be said…”

Epilouge

Only two days passed since the funeral. Die still was with Kyo. The redhead knew well that the little vocalist needs someone to comfort him in these hard times. 

The guitarist now was at Kyo’s place, sitting on the couch, watching some commercial by Gackt on the Tv. Kyo was leaning against his shoulder, sleeping peacefully. His face was calm now, his soul free from sorrow and painful memories.

Die looked at the pretty blonde, and as he continued staring, he felt his heartbeat fastening. Suddenly, Kyo shifted side, and Die looked away quickly. „ Whats this feeling? I love my Sanako-chan, then why is my heart beats so fast, when I look at Kyo?” he muttered to himself. He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice, when Kyo woke up.

The blonde opened his eyes, and sat up, causing the redhead almost fall down in suprise.

- Oh, Die… Is there already night? - he asked, his voice a bit sleepy.  The guitarist nodded.  -Yes, almost midnight. Ne, Kyo, do you need anything?- Die asked softly. The pretty vocalist looked up at Die, and scooted closer to him, until he was nearly sitting in his lap.

- I just… miss him - Kyo whispered, unable to say anymore.

„Kawaita kokoro ni maiochita gin'iro no mikazuki wa
Tsuki-akari no nai kono yoru ni "hitori demo aruite yukeru" to
Anata ga kureta kono kotoba ni yasashisa to nukumori o soete
Utsumuku nakigao no boku ni hohoemi o torimodosaseru „
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->

- I… Understand you Kyo-chan… - Die stopped abruptly, looking a bit frightened about what he said just before. Kyo raised an eyebrow, looking a bit confused and suprised.

- What did you just call me Die?  - he said quietly.

- Uh, nevermind that Kyo - Die blushed a bit in embarrasment. But Kyo, for Die’s much suprise, raised a hand, and gently caressed the guitarist’s face.
- You know... I still remember his words.” I knew you never before,I see you never more, But the love, the pain, the hope, O beautifull one, Have made you mine, 'till all my years are done... „ Those were his last words for me... He almost sounded like he knows something... like he knew whats gonna happen... - Kyo hung his head, when he finished talking. Die hugged his shoulders.

- Kyo… I really don’t know what to say - Die always had feeling for the little blonde vocalist, but when Kyo started dating with Kaoru, he hide his feelings, and looked for someone else, thats how he found his currently girlfriend.

- You don’t have to say anything. But one thing is for sure… Without him, the poetry within me is dead.

~Owari~

/2007-02-24/

Pairing: KaoruxKyo

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Shounen-ai, major angst

„Sleep Eden sleep

My fallen son

Slumber in peace”

It was a cold, rainy day. The wind was blowing very hard, clouds were gatherin’ on the sky. I was unable to see the sun… But it wasn’t necessary  to see it… at least for me, because the light in my life… is dead.

I still remember you… Your soft lips, when you kissed me, when you whispered those sweet words… Your beautiful hair, what you alway took care of, always smelled so good, it was so soft, so shiny… Your eyes, your smiley… I loved everything about you… You helped me, when I was depressed or wanted to die… You were always there for me… You promised that you would never leave me… And now… You’re dead.

Why? I ask this every single day, every hour, every minute. Why did you left me? You promised me, you’d never leave me… And still… you  broke the promise you made.

„Cease the pain

Life`s just in vain

For us to gain

Nothing but all the same”

I’m dying. I can’t live without you. The pain, the longing is too strong… I maybe look content and calm on the outside, but my soul is screaming in agony…

I pick up my bloody razor, and slit my wrists again, and again, until my hands are covered in my own blood. Only this makes my tortured soul calm… But only for a little time… I lye down on my bed, when I notice my diary on my nighttable. I pick it up, and start to read a random entry.

„Feb 17th, Saturday

Oh, what a terrbile hangover… I swear god, I never gonna drink that much again. I  know I’m lying now, but aww, who cares? hehe.

Anyway...My sweet  tall bitch’s birthday is today… I wonder, should I get something to him? Maybe a pair of underwear with Hide’s face on in? No, he’d freak out, I’m sure of this. Or maybe with Gackt’s magnum on in? Umm… still sounds a bit freaky… Hell, I don’t know, I gotta ask Die about this…”

I smiled throught my tears, when I read this journal entry. While I wrote this, I never thought that my sweet tall bitch is going to be with his idol soon…

„No healing hand

For your disease

Drinking scorn like water

Cascading with my tears”

I headed to the studio for another rehersal, damn, my sweet tall bitch was kinda work-a-holic. But when I arrived, and shut the ddor open with my usual „ ’Morning fuckers” greeting, I only get a sad glance back from Die. I stopped in my steps, and stared at the scene. Toshiya was sittin on the couch, and sobbing uncontrollably, his face buried in a pillow, while Die was just staring to the ground in front of him. However, I didn’t saw either Kaoru or Shinya anywhere.

- What the hell is wrong? - I asked, a bit confused. Toshiya looked up, then he started to cry ever more. Die continued to stare at the ground, as he answered.

- Shin-chan is in the hospital with Kaoru-san - he said, in a shaky voice. I stared at him in disbelief, as I sat next to Totchi, who was still crying hard.

- Why…What happened? - I questioned, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. Die shook his head.

- Don’t ask Kyo-kun. I’m unable to say it. If I say it, it means that I accept it… but I don’t want to accept it… - The redhead said.

- Die-kun… SAY IT NOW! -  I shouted. I was utterly angry, but I was even more confused. I didn’t know whats going on, and it bothered me.

- Well -  suddenly Toshiya spoke up, as he tried to stop his sobbing - Kaoru has been shoot - he whispered, then burts out in tears again.

„Beneath the candle bed

Two saddened angels - in heaven, in death”

I froze down for a minute, my mind unable to accept the information I just got before. Die next to me started to shaking too, and I knew that he’s crying.

- What…? No, that cannot be… Don’t play the fool with me… It’s impossible… - I whispered.

- We are…not playin the.. fool with… you - Die replied, trying to fight his tears back.

Suddenly, his cell rang. He got up it up quickly, and answered.

- Moshi-moshi, Die-san desu - He said. Totchi looked up again, with a hint of curiosity and worry in his puffy, cried-to-red eyes.

- Shinya! Hows Kaoru-sama? - The redhead said to the cell. There was a moment of silence, as he waited for the drummer’s reply. Then, he went dead pale, and his handsome face contorted in pain.

- What? - He whispered - It’s can’t be true…

I had a bad feeling about the conservation Die and Shinya had. A very bad feeling.

- I … understand. And… thanks - With that Die hung up the phone, and stared at us.

- He’s… dead.

„Now let us lie

Sad we lived sad we die

Even in your pride

I never blamed you”

I stared at him for a long minute. My heart broke in that minute, my soul shattered, and my mind went crazy. I was like a living dead doll. All emotion died out from me in that minute.

My sweet tall bitch… Dead… I was unable to think about anything, but him. His voice never going to reach me, his hands never goint to hold mine, his lips never going to touch mine…

The next two day was living hell for me. Die stayed with me. I know him, he tried to comfort me, but all of his efforts were useless. I was already dead on the inside. I didn’t eat anything, I refused to eat.

Shinya was with Toshiya. The pretty bassist was just like me; he was seemed to be a living dead. But I know someday he’ll forget about this. He’s just too shocked now.

But me… I never ever forget about you, my sweet tall bitch. I loved you, even if I refused to show it to the public.  I loved you, and you loved me.

„A mother`s love

Is a sacrifice

Together sleeping

Keeping it all”

Three days passed since that day. Today is your funeral. I don’t want to go, but I must go.

I never cried. Neither on your funeral. My heart broke again to million pieces, when I saw  your beautiful face… You looked like a sleeping angel… My sweet angel…

When the funeral ended, and everyone left, I stayed.  I stared at the freshly covered tomb. Then everything went blurry. Tears were sliding down my face. I closed my eyes, trying to stop them, but it was useless. I fell onto my knees, and whispered „Why? Why kami has to be cruel? Why did you left me? You said you’d never leave me… Don’t leave me… I love you… Don’t leave me, I don’t want to be alone…„ - My tears fell freely from my eyes, my attempt to stop them, vanished. I startes to shake, and buried my face in my hands.

I don’t know when I left your grave. I can’t remember, the pain was blinded me. Nothing mattered then for me.

Next day, I hit up a meet with the others. Everyone looked horrible, even Shinya. We spoke only a little, we decided to continue the band, no matter what. Die became the new leader-sama, but we didn’t want a new guitarist.

I only remember a few things about that time. We recorded a couple of songs, and released a mini-album. It was full with sorrow, and pain… Laughing was a rare thing amongst us since you gone…

One year later since your funeral… I went back to your tomb again… and for the last time.

The stars shone coldly on that night, the wind was blowing slighthy, and there was complete silence around me.

I sat down on the becnh next to your grave, and started talking.

- Beautiful night we have here, don’t you agree, my dear love? Just look at the stars… they shine so brightly, they’re so beautiful, just like you… ash to ash, I am just garbage with an umbrella, So give me my dream, I am used to hiding underneath the umbrella, So I want you for me, Can you hear me? - I started to sing quietly. I never noticed when my tears started to fall, but when I finished, my face was covered in my own salty tears.

- See, Kaoru? Look what have you done to me… You broke your promise, and you broke my heart, my soul, my mind…  Now you’re probably somewhere in heaven along with Kami, Hide and other fellows… Can I join too? - I screamed at the end, my voice full with pain and long lost love.

I pulled out my old dried bloody razorblade, pressed it to my wrist, and started to pull it down…

My vision blurred, but I was able to see my blood dripping out of the fresh wound. There was a calm smile on my lips, as I walked to your grave, before my legs became too numb. My knees gave up, and I fell on them. Soon, darkness embraced me…

And then… I saw your beautiful face, I heard your voice calling me... And you didn’t break your promise… You didn’t leave me… You were always here… I love you. Never again dare to leave me… My sweet tall bitch.

„Beneath the candle bed

Two souls with everything yet to be said…”

Epilouge

Only two days passed since the funeral. Die still was with Kyo. The redhead knew well that the little vocalist needs someone to comfort him in these hard times. 

The guitarist now was at Kyo’s place, sitting on the couch, watching some commercial by Gackt on the Tv. Kyo was leaning against his shoulder, sleeping peacefully. His face was calm now, his soul free from sorrow and painful memories.

Die looked at the pretty blonde, and as he continued staring, he felt his heartbeat fastening. Suddenly, Kyo shifted side, and Die looked away quickly. „ Whats this feeling? I love my Sanako-chan, then why is my heart beats so fast, when I look at Kyo?” he muttered to himself. He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice, when Kyo woke up.

The blonde opened his eyes, and sat up, causing the redhead almost fall down in suprise.

- Oh, Die… Is there already night? - he asked, his voice a bit sleepy.  The guitarist nodded.  -Yes, almost midnight. Ne, Kyo, do you need anything?- Die asked softly. The pretty vocalist looked up at Die, and scooted closer to him, until he was nearly sitting in his lap.

- I just… miss him - Kyo whispered, unable to say anymore.

„Kawaita kokoro ni maiochita gin'iro no mikazuki wa
Tsuki-akari no nai kono yoru ni "hitori demo aruite yukeru" to
Anata ga kureta kono kotoba ni yasashisa to nukumori o soete
Utsumuku nakigao no boku ni hohoemi o torimodosaseru „
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->

- I… Understand you Kyo-chan… - Die stopped abruptly, looking a bit frightened about what he said just before. Kyo raised an eyebrow, looking a bit confused and suprised.

- What did you just call me Die?  - he said quietly.

- Uh, nevermind that Kyo - Die blushed a bit in embarrasment. But Kyo, for Die’s much suprise, raised a hand, and gently caressed the guitarist’s face.
- You know... I still remember his words.” I knew you never before,I see you never more, But the love, the pain, the hope, O beautifull one, Have made you mine, 'till all my years are done... „ Those were his last words for me... He almost sounded like he knows something... like he knew whats gonna happen... - Kyo hung his head, when he finished talking. Die hugged his shoulders.

- Kyo… I really don’t know what to say - Die always had feeling for the little blonde vocalist, but when Kyo started dating with Kaoru, he hide his feelings, and looked for someone else, thats how he found his currently girlfriend.

- You don’t have to say anything. But one thing is for sure… Without him, the poetry within me is dead.

~Owari~